Full of woe

Everyday in my life is similar, I wake up tired as a result of not going to bed early enough, I stumble through the morning routine of getting the kids to school and myself to the shop. I come home and start the afternoon routine, tidy up AGAIN, homework, dinner, bath time, bed time, more tidying, washing, hanging to dry, tea & toast & 30 mins me/TV time and back to bed. I survive, I plod and I'm sure I'm not alone.



Over the last few weeks I have been calmer, the Triple P is going well and I am enjoying my children, when they were young I appreciated every little thing they did, cherished every word they said but as they get older and more independent and grow with me it has all became a routine of who goes where and when and life is timed to suit the children and accommodate the hubby's night shift. Having started the Triple P programme it has quickly become apparent that spending time with my children is far more important than any cleaning, washing or ironing and I seem to have forgotten that for a while and now that it's been brought to the fore front of my mind I have spent time watching them play together, fight together and just staring at them, like you do when they first arrive in the world, stare in complete disbelief that one can produce such a beautiful being. I feel so much love and yet so guilty for forgetting to appreciate my children every minute of every day.



Last weeks Triple P meeting, which was cut short on account of the room being so cold and nobody being able to work the heating! was about praise, apparently after last weekends Wii ban which resulted in the kids playing nicely for hours together I should have gone up to see them and told them how happy I was that they were playing together nicely and given them loads of attention for the nice behaviour, but instead - don't tell anyone - I thought, thank God for the peace. Again I'm sure I'm not alone, everyday "I TOLD YOU TO HANG UP THE UNIFORM" I'd say and the day they hang it up, what do I say - nothing - because I expect it, I've only been asking for about a year. But now I am clear "thank you for hanging up your uniform today" I say. My son then thinks mum likes this behaviour and will repeat it, amazing and simple, complete common sense and yet rarely practised. I believe I have brought up my children well and these are just little niggley things that on the grand scale of things don't really matter but I want to give them the best possible start in their journey of life, giving them hope, aspiration and the ability to cope generally.



The next project is some time with the hubby, again we plod along and don't make time for us. We will have a few plans to make and discuss as he was advised on Friday 'it is more than likely his position in his company will be made redundant in the near future' he has been with the company for just over a year. In Sept/Oct 2007 we went through this and he managed to secure a job with this company and now we find ourselves in the same position. There is another consultation meeting tomorrow and he will find out the situation. My hubby is an electrician's mate and has been for approx 15 years, he is currently working on the Clydesdale banks carrying out refurbishments but with the current banking situation they are no longer spending money which results in the job loses in his company for anyone who has been with the company for less than two years. I am not going to worry as there is no point, but every where I turn there are job loses and it's not only on the news its all around us locally. Luckily the hubby will do anything. I am going to keep everything crossed that for some reason he will be indispensable and remain with the company.



Just when you think you're in control, emotionally stable and plodding along quite nicely some big bastard comes along and knocks you to the ground. I know what's for you won't go by you but blow me;

1. an alcoholic father


2. a stressed mother as a result of said alcoholic father


3. homeless at 17 as a result again of said alcoholic father


4. a mental sister-in-law


5. redundancy for the hubby in 2007


6. my Granny going through TB, pneumonia, a broken hip, dementia and latterly being buried in the wrong grave.


7. and now more redundancy

against

1. marriage and relatively happy at that


2. two beautiful and clever children


3. a nice average house


4. a nice average car


5. being self employed thanks to supportive hubby

So what's going on? I must have been bad in a previous life. I am always grateful for what I have and there are people much worse of than me and for that I count my blessings but today I feel sad and just a little bit cheated.

There' a new mum on the block

I have felt a less stressed person since my Gran died, not that I had to do anything latterly but I was stressed about how I'd cope with her death, stressed about how my mum was coping and would cope with her death and now that it's all over I feel an overwhelming calm, this is therefore a good time to do my Triple P programme as the kids are calmer due to my calming influence and it's a new year etc etc.

So on Friday night I sat with the kids and explained the programme was to help me to deal with 'issues' in a calm manor and there was to be no shouting from any of us, we all have to respect each other and listen and decide on consequences.

We agreed the first stage for my son was to do as he was asked, when he was asked, I would give clear instructions so that he had no doubt about what I was asking. My daughter has to stop speaking like a baby while in moaning mode and I, when asked, have to stop and see what they want to show me. I'm sure every parent does this, you're in the middle of cleaning out the bin, sweeping the floors and juggling the dinner all to a timescale and a child shouts 'come and see this mum' only to be snapped with 'I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF BLAH BLAH BLAH' and then the moment is gone and yet we expect kids when they are playing their favourite game to stop to do something boring like eat or bathe. Usually whatever they wanted to show you only takes a split second. It has to work all ways, we also agreed to listen, again usually one child gets caught shouting or arguing and they get a row only to discover that it wasn't their fault so we have agreed to take turns to justify ourselves in a clear and concise manor.

We decided consequences would be 10 minutes off TV/PlayStation/Wii/PSP/DS etc etc or sent to their rooms for 10 minutes, if it was a serious matter I'm not sure what'll happen as we are taking one stage at a time. My kids are actually thriving on this and so far, so good.

Although I have had to repeat myself over the weekend, I have done so with confidence 'I have asked you once to go and clean your teeth, I am now asking you again and if you don't there will be a consequence' and off they toddle. The most major dispute was over the Wii as my son was not winning and he doesn't like to lose, he was playing the PSP at the same time, I entered the room after hearing the commotion, allowed them to take turns to explain the situation, my son was barred from the Wii, banned for 10 minutes from the PSP and after a bit of attitude was sent to his room for 10 minutes, this was short, sharp consequence, allowing him to cool off, my daughter to continue the fun and me not having to listen to the arguing. I didn't shout once, my daughter got fed up on the Wii after 5 minutes anyway, once the 10 minutes was up I allowed my son to come downstairs, he decided he had found better things to do in his room and was then joined by his sister and they played together for ages, brilliant, I am the woman!!

It's all so obvious and yet so easy to put in place, as a result of the good behaviour, my daughter had her friend to play after school yesterday and my son has a friend today, normally I don't plan in advance because I'm too stressed and obsessed by timescales. I have also decided if I carry out one chore a day then I've done my bit and shouldn't beat myself up about the fact I didn't do that, that and that! I praise myself on achieving that one chore. On Saturday, the weather was nice and bright and I cleaned all the downstairs windows/conservatory, washed all the floors, did loads of washing and changed one bed and tidied, tidied, tidied. My friend called at 4.50pm to say she was thinking of coming over for a quick visit after dinner and I nearly put her off as I still had on my pyjamas, what? I was cleaning. But I decided after all that cleaning then she should come as life's too short to put friends off. Reluctantly I pulled on some clothes!

All I want from this course is for my children to feel safe and secure and know that they can talk to me about anything and hopefully I'm going about it in the right way.

Triple P

In desperation to have a bit of me time I have enrolled in a Positive Parenting Programme, commonly know as 'Triple P.' It is run by the local authority and runs for 6 weeks, every Wednesday night for 2 hours and it's free. It is, as the name suggests, to help you with positive parenting, therefore getting the best relationship with your children and hopes to end the majority of screaming and shouting and repeating ones self several times before screaming and shouting at ones children in order to get them to carry out a simple tasks.

The first meeting was on Wednesday and there were 5 mothers with one to start next week, it was a good size group but I couldn't help be disappointed by the lack of numbers, the programme was open to all parents at the school and I'm sure the ones who could actually do with it were insulted at the mear suggestion they may not be good positive parents. I, on the other hand, was delighted with the idea of becoming the best parent that I can be. I came home armed with a workbook, which apparently will become my bible and a questionnaire, the same questionnaire will be completed once the course has finished to see if, sorry, what the differences are!

My children are actually very good and they certainly know the difference between right and wrong, my issues are simple and brought on by my actions and now I need to rectify these issues, my issues are as follows;

My son, age 11

Lazyness - he is in Primary 7 and only this year have I decided that he should hang up or deal with his own uniform after school. Previously I would have gone upstairs with him, picked out a change of clothes and as he striped I would hang up the uniform or put it in the washing. Now he has to make these choices for himself. And yet everyday I go upstairs to close the windows and the curtains and there it is, the uniform lying over his chair and his answer 'but I left it neatly!' my response then varies depending on the time of the month but always starts with 'but I don't want you to leave it over the chair rant rant rave blah blah BLAH' If it does make it to the washing basket everything is left in a ball as he took it off, he only does this when he can't be bother to hang the clothes up, 9 times out of 10 they're not even dirty. But is there a conscequence for this lazyness, apart from the ranting NO, so what clear message am I giving my son? The message is it's fine to leave your clothes on the chair because the ranting will start, be over in 3 minutes and then the women will do it herself anyway!! So this is our first rule to sort out and I have to give clear instructions, with specific timescales and a conscequence if the action/rule is not carried out. AND I MUST NOT SHOUT. This does apply to other things, I'm not just obsessed by the hanging up of the uniform you know.

I now have to decided on a realistic conscequence. Short, sharp, conscequences are the thing, such as the TV going off for 10 minutes! Grounding for the rest of his life is not the answer.

My daughter - age 9

Whinging & talking like a 3 year old while answering back - my daughter doesn't take the hint in public, you know the huge wide piercing eye one that all mothers have the ability to do, my son will stop immediately, but my daughter she carries on regardless, touching, arguing, I trying saying her name sternly, through gritted teeth and she goes on and on in a high pitched 3 year old tone, not that she behaved like that when she was 3, I think I had control then. This then results in her being put back in the car or taken to a quite corner of the shopping centre and once more I find myself ranting 'I'm sick of this behavour, you're behaving like a baby, I can't take you anywhere blah blah BLAH.' And again is there a conscequence, NO, gone are the days where children are afraid of their parents and I mean in a respectful way.

I would have been frightened of getting a row from my mum as it upset me, it seems now I am so used to ranting like a mad women that the kids pay no attention.

So the plan is to sit the kids down and explain the new rules and what I expect from them and likewise what they expect from me, we will agree the conscequences together and take it from there. No ranting, no mad woman, only conscequences.

Sounds like the perfect positive household.....

We'll see how long it lasts!

PS. I have just noticed this is my 100th post - yeah me!

Does any one else watch The suite life of Zack & Cody or is it just me that's sad enough to use children's TV characters phrases?? If you don't watch it, don't worry you don't need to know what I'm talking about.

And finally...............

The lady owner of 288 has released the rights to the plot. She visited last Monday and through the tittle tattle of the monumental sculpture we discovered she has got herself another plot in the old part of the cemetery next to some other family members and she is delighted, apparently there were no lairs left in the old part when she bought her lair and since the expansion and release of all the new plots some lairs in the older part were exchanged. We are just happy it is all settled in time for Christmas, the headstone was re-erected as soon as she confirmed the release of the plot.

I have yet to go and see it as I've had a sick boy, I am fighting of the first signs of flu, have fallen out with the hubby because he upset me and have been ignoring him for the last 2 days and 3 nights and so I am feeling slightly fragile, slightly fragile that's a laugh, I am a walking emotional time bomb and fear a visit to the cemetery will flood the whole of Glasgow for Christmas.

I have ordered a wreath to take on Christmas day so I will have to face my fear by then.

I'm off now or the great flood may start sooner than expected.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year to you all. xx

The never ending story

I finished the last post.....

'yours emotionally mended'

I spoke too soon, I should know better!

My mum received a letter on Friday to confirm the monumental headstone had been erected at my Granny's grave. This for me was the final symbol and full blown confirmation that my Granny has passed and her grave marked, I would have to do the next visit to the grave alone for emotional reasons. My mum promptly visited the cemetery on the way to my house to watch the kids after school that day and was disappointed to see no headstone was erected, she went to the monumental sculptures unit and it was closed, typical! The next morning she called the monumental sculpture and he confirmed the headstone was indeed erected and perhaps she had been at the wrong grave, my Gran's grave is the only unmarked one next to the path so that was highly unlikely. My mum doubting her sanity again visited the cemetery and it definitely wasn't there, she visited the monumental sculpture who confirmed they had checked that morning after speaking with her and it's definitely there. They visited together and my mum stopped at the graveside as he walked right by her onto the grass and pointed at the headstone diagonally opposite where my gran was buried, 'plot 228' he confirmed 'yes' said my mother feeling the colour draining from her body, 'but my mother's buried over here' my granny owns plot 228, the plot her headstone has been erected, but she has been buried in plot 288.

The emotional turmoil we have been through over the weekend has been horrendous, luckily we were pretty sure due to the depth the grave had been dug to that it was indeed a new lair. We had unanswered questions and were anxious.....

would she need to be moved?
but she's not in the plot she chose!
if she's moved, the funeral has been a farce and would there need to be another?
as if she's not gone through enough!
as if we've not gone through enough!

We had an anxious wait until Monday morning. My mother received a phone call from the graveyard supervisor 'Don't worry she won't need to be moved and don't worry about the paper work we have everything on our records' was he suggesting we keep the lair certificate we have and when the owner of 288 needed to be buried they would simply use our plot 228, nobody would ever know the difference - aye right! My mother went right to his boss, who also confirmed there was no need to move her and they would contact the owner of the plot. He was proactive and confirmed they had somebody going to visit the elderly lady to explain the situation and offer her a swap or any other plot of her choice but we would have to give her time to consider. Can you imagine how she must feel, it's invasive, someone else's mother in your grave!

Fortunately it was a new lair and there were no other occupants or her body would have to have been exhumed, with paperwork to the home office for permission. I have got over the upset of her not being in the final resting place of her choice as to move her would be far worse and I know there are far worse situations in the world, but of all the things we did in the 9 days after she died to make sure everything was done as nicely as possible for a good send off, never for one minute did we think about checking the plot was the right number!

For everyones information, plot numbers are always etched on the side of headstones so you can see what plot number is next to you for confirmation. Interesting info given by the monumental sculpture while he tried to make it noted he had got everything right.

I personally hold responsible the gravedigger who did not double check the number and coinsidently only 228 & 288 were the 2 unmarked graves left in that area. But a little bit of me holds the undertaken responsible you would think they would also check.

We eagarly await confirmation that the other owner will release her right to that plot. If not then it's a legal battle, one I gather we would win as exhuming is a last resort.

Rest in peace - that's a bloody laugh!

Emotions

I started my 'journey' in October 2007 after my dear friend's father died and I had to attend his funeral. I say 'had to' because it was the right thing to do, I would have chosen not to, but the hubby said I 'had to, it was my friend and it was only right.' I don't want to recap completely but the journey started due to my complete devastation at dealing with other peoples death, being in a worst state than the family themselves lead to embarrassment and therefore I avoided funerals at all costs. Having laid out my life story for all to read, my being an only, lonely child and having an alcoholic father and a very interesting evening with medium, I realised through my 'journey' that I was grieving, grieving for my father who chose alcohol over me and subsequently died when I was 19 in 1991. I only stared grieving in 2001 when my father paid me a visit through a medium, a friend, a person who does this for free, there was no con. I have now come to the conclusion that is why I get myself into such a state because I am expressing my own bottled up grief. I promised the medium I would write him a letter, a letter about me from me, detailing how I feel about his love for beer and whisky over me, she pointed out quite clearly this should not be about others, purely about me and my feelings. It was right she should point this out as I automatically think about how my mum as a mother must have felt and how she feels now, on her own, without having ever found love again or even a companion. The words the medium said to me that night, I believe, started the grieving process. 'Write the letter and he will heal you' she said, those words have rung in my head for over 7 years now, I didn't know I needed healing until that point and I have felt sad and empty ever since. The post before I was ready to write the letter was written and the next step was to write it, I felt ready, I knew exactly what I wanted to and needed to say and then the sad and empty feeling left and all of a sudden the letter didn't seem important, it was as if writing my whole life story down was enough. Everything had been said.

My life has changed again since the death of my granny and in a more positive way. I suppose anyone who has dealt with the death of an elderly relative must feel like this but for me it's a revelation. It has been 3 years since we cleared her house and she went into the home and at that point I naturally started grieving, grieving for the woman that once was and then spent the rest of the time dreading the day she dies and yet when that day came she was so old and frail and ill that it was an absolute blessing and I no longer felt worried about the grief because it was such a relief and now, silly as it may sound, I feel that she can be with me once again in spirit and I am comforted by that. I was also comforted by the cards and kind words that people wrote to me, I have had to leave shops on occasions when trying to buy a card with nice words because I get all emotional and I never thought for one minute I would be able to read cards sent after the death of a loved one but I did because the words were true. The funeral was 9 days after her death, 9 days we had to make sure everything was done to the best of our ability to give her the best sent off and I believe we did. I didn't dread the funeral the way I have others and I did cry - from the moment I passed the cemetery on the way to the funeral, to my mum's where she showed me a lovely bouquet of flowers, to the funeral parlour, into see my granny, through the service, strangely stopped in the funeral car, restarted at the graveside and finally dried up at in the funeral car on the way for the meal. But not once did I sob uncontrollably the way I have at others, I say others, I've only been to two, but they were enough and I don't feel the same about death and funerals as I once did and I believe that's because I no longer dread the day my granny dies!

Yours emotionally mended
Windy xx

Granny

Been AWOL for a bit because I have been so busy with work and life in general, but I'm back and will be catching up with you all soon.

One of the days I have dreaded all my life has finally happened, on Wed 15th October 2008 at 12.05pm my dear granny passed away with myself and my mum by her side.

We had headed off for our October school break holiday, our only holiday this year, excited we were taking the kids to Butlins in Minehead Mon to Fri and meeting with my favourite sister-in-law, brother-in-law and 3 kids, who were going from Fri to Fri. We decided as it's a long way from Glasgow to Minehead to leave on Saturday and spend the weekend where ever we landed, we landed in Stoke-On-Trent and had a great time at the local Splash pool on Sunday, followed by a cosy evening in the Premier Inn watching Mary Poppins. My mum called on the Sunday night to confirm that Granny really 'wasn't good' she had been bedridden for a few months and had been non responsive for more than a week. My main concern at this point was to get my family to Butlins and then I could make my way home, selfish it may seem but there had been a few times we thought 'this is it' and Granny had rallied round, although each time a little poorer. I decided a good nights sleep was in order if I was going to have to travel home in the morning. In my head I thought, I could fly home, hire a car, anything but as long as the kids could get to Butlins. After a phone call to my mum on Monday morning I decided we should continue and headed to the first service station to have our breakfast, it was at that point the obvious came to me, if you want to fly you need i.d. if you want to hire a car you need a driving licence and guess what I had nothing apart from a Costco card and my credit cards, the only option was a train. After the 'what do you mean you carry no i.d.' conversation with the hubby I got a text to say 'not good, can you get a refund on your holiday' from my mum. At this point it was clear we would have to go home. I called her and cried as I watched the sheer disappointment across the kids faces, my daughter cried, but at the same time they said nothing, just knowing it wasn't good.

5 hours and 20 minutes later I was by my Granny's side, she had been on morphine for over an hour. I think I sobbed quietly most of the journey home wondering how I could ask the kids if they wanted to come and say goodbye to their Granny Betty. My mum had gone home to freshen up as she had been there all day after receiving a 'you better come now' call that morning. As we arrived at the home I blurted 'do you want to come and see Granny, she'll just be sleeping' and it literally was a blurt as I imagined the words 'say goodbye to Granny' that would inevitably happen when they were to leave, not surprisingly my daughter burst into tears and they both shook their heads, obviously as children they must have been scared and upset given the public emotion I was displaying. So I went it alone. And she was just sleeping, I spent the next hour saying all the things I wanted to say, tears and snotters all over the place but I had my time and my space and it was my Granny and I could cry if I wanted to. My mum later joined me and we cried a little more. Given her stable state we decided to go home, reassured the home staff would call if there was any change. We went back to the home on the Tuesday and she was definitely worse it really was a matter of time so we spent the whole day talking, crying and believe it or not laughing, reminiscing, thinking what my Granny would say the state we were in. Her favourite words were don't cry!! We stayed into the early hours and again as she had remained stable all day went home to rest, returning again on Wednesday. I arrived at 11.20am and at 12.05pm she took her final breath, it was a blessing.

God Bless you Granny and may you rest in peace - I love you. x