Thursday, 11 October 2007

Emotional day

I went to a funeral today. I have only every been to one funeral before. I cry at the drop of a hat and am afraid that I will get myself into a worse state than the family. Today however was my very good friend's father, although she is a very good friend I didn't know her father very well and had only meets him a handful of times. My friend has 3 sisters and a brother, I know 2 of her sisters, twins, very well. The hubby said I had to go, she was my friend and she should know I was there. He was right.

The church was packed, Charlie was a religious man, a union man and a pillar of the community, the priest said the world did not deserve a person as beautiful as Charlie. The tears rolled gently down my right cheek. His 11 year old granddaughter did a reading, a few more tears rolled down my cheek. The priest knew Charlie very well and the service was very fitting. During communion they played Ave Maria at this point I was thinking 'I knew I shouldn't have come' the gentle, occasional tears flowed a little faster. Just as the service was coming to an end and I was feeling quite proud that my face and eyes wouldn't be too red and puffy my friend's brother and sister each paid a tribute to their father. They were very good, very proud to be known as Charlie's children and just as my friends sister came to the end of her tribute she hesitated slightly, finishing her sentence in tears. This was the breaking of me. The coffin was then carried out, followed by the family and my friend, being supported by her older sister. I tried desperately to keep the big crying sighs in as I felt my friends pain and suffering. Perhaps I am being selfish but I couldn't go to the crematorium, I have no issue with crying I do it all the time, but I feel embarrassed, people will wonder why I'm in such a state. So I went to work and hubby continued on without me.

Both my dad and my papa are dead and I didn't attend either funeral and although I cried when they died, I don't think I have ever grieved so when someone else dies, anyone, I get into a state.

My dad died on Mothers day, 10th March 1991, I was 19. I am going to do a post on my father so I will save the details for that.

My papa died in May 1997. On the day of his funeral I was overdue with my first child and his funeral was being held about 1 and a half hours drive away from my home, so I chose not to attend for fear of going into labour and my mother being in a state. So I suppose I have never grieved and had the closure of attending a loved ones funeral and yet I can blank that emotion.

Perhaps I need some councilling.

4 comments:

Crystal Jigsaw said...

We all have to cry at some point. I cry buckets once a month when I start thinking about all the crap I have to put up with! Then I think "what the heck!" Life goes on. We have to move on with it.

But that's me. We are all so different, being unique is what makes us strong, it's what makes us realise how incredibly special we all are, every single one of us. You are obviously a very sensitive person and take on other people's worries. Funerals are awful events, they are meant to be sad. It's never nice having to say goodbye to someone in this way, even if we don't know them that well. It is comforting to treat a funeral as a Celebration of that person's life but we also have to grieve, it's perfectly natural and very healthy. Perhaps if you think about the good times, happy memories, funny things that happened. Take care. I look forward to reading about your dad. My dad passed July 2001 and not a day goes by when I don't embrace him with my heart.

Best wishes, Crystal xx

Self employed mum said...

Thank you Crystal. You are sooooo right. I appreciate your words.
I'm not so sure I have the same feelings about my dad but you will be able to read that for yourself soon enough. Thanks for coming over x

dgibbs said...

I have been to so many funerals. Very few of the deceased did I know personally, but I believe I cried at least a little at every single one.

Self employed mum said...

Hi dgibbs, yes I suppose it's normal when they say nice things about a person and play nice music, it's usually that part of it that tips me right over the edge. Thanks for the reassurance that it's not just me. x