I went to a funeral today. I have only every been to one funeral before. I cry at the drop of a hat and am afraid that I will get myself into a worse state than the family. Today however was my very good friend's father, although she is a very good friend I didn't know her father very well and had only meets him a handful of times. My friend has 3 sisters and a brother, I know 2 of her sisters, twins, very well. The hubby said I had to go, she was my friend and she should know I was there. He was right.
The church was packed, Charlie was a religious man, a union man and a pillar of the community, the priest said the world did not deserve a person as beautiful as Charlie. The tears rolled gently down my right cheek. His 11 year old granddaughter did a reading, a few more tears rolled down my cheek. The priest knew Charlie very well and the service was very fitting. During communion they played Ave Maria at this point I was thinking 'I knew I shouldn't have come' the gentle, occasional tears flowed a little faster. Just as the service was coming to an end and I was feeling quite proud that my face and eyes wouldn't be too red and puffy my friend's brother and sister each paid a tribute to their father. They were very good, very proud to be known as Charlie's children and just as my friends sister came to the end of her tribute she hesitated slightly, finishing her sentence in tears. This was the breaking of me. The coffin was then carried out, followed by the family and my friend, being supported by her older sister. I tried desperately to keep the big crying sighs in as I felt my friends pain and suffering. Perhaps I am being selfish but I couldn't go to the crematorium, I have no issue with crying I do it all the time, but I feel embarrassed, people will wonder why I'm in such a state. So I went to work and hubby continued on without me.
Both my dad and my papa are dead and I didn't attend either funeral and although I cried when they died, I don't think I have ever grieved so when someone else dies, anyone, I get into a state.
My dad died on Mothers day, 10th March 1991, I was 19. I am going to do a post on my father so I will save the details for that.
My papa died in May 1997. On the day of his funeral I was overdue with my first child and his funeral was being held about 1 and a half hours drive away from my home, so I chose not to attend for fear of going into labour and my mother being in a state. So I suppose I have never grieved and had the closure of attending a loved ones funeral and yet I can blank that emotion.
Perhaps I need some councilling.