Jen The Fish

Lovingly picked on the 18th May 2002 by a five year old for his birthday we have spent years thinking it’s about time she popped her clogs, my mum and I joked on Sunday with some friends about the goldfish I have had for nearly 7 years, her water is changed rarely and she often lives in 2 inches of completely manky water. I am not ashamed, however, as I had visitors coming to my house for the first time** last Sunday I felt it only right to change the water, really only so that wouldn't talk about me after they left. My mum saw fit to announce 'I see the fish has fresh water!' We laughed about the time the fish had a near death experience and I decided to change the water and let it die with dignity, albeit a bit late after living for years without any, I discovered a 5p had dropped into the bowl and had obviously been poisoning the poor girl. She came back to life within minutes of being placed in new fresh non toxic water. I knew changing the water would one day kill her, a shock to the system, although I expected a heart attack and to find her floating on her side at the top of the water. I did not expect to get up one morning and find her missing completely! Today was that day.

My version of events
It was a morning like any other but as soon as I entered the kitchen I knew instinctively that something wasn’t right, the splatter cover (being a splatter cover used to cover a frying pan, a clean, unused one, a temporary measure you see) that had protected Jen from the cats was lying on the worktop and as I looked through bleary eyes there was no sign of the fish, the bowl was empty. After putting in my eye drops and having slightly clearer vision I checked again, definitely no fish. I assumed the worst, TIA (the 11 month old kitten) had eaten the fish. But amusingly she was still looking in the bowl for the fish, I always thought she was a bit thick! After a phone call with the hubby I discovered Tia had not eaten the fish – Phew I hear you say, but no, it’s worse than that.

The hubby's version
I got up, bleary eyed like the wife, glasses in hand and felt something wet and slimy underfoot at the top of the stairs, for your information I’m no lightweight, I assumed the cat had been sick, again – but after closer inspection realised it was the fish, yes at the top of the stairs!! I collected it in a food bag, it had a little slit on its tummy and no tail, cause of death appears to have been lack of water. I put it in an empty ice cream tub for inspection by the wife and weans.

Tia’s version
Oh what a night!!! Been stocking the gold moving thing in the clear water for about a week now, there has been a lot of talk about a ‘fish’ It has amused me darting back and forward, teasing me with it’s big eyes, I waited until all was quiet, the big cat had gone out for the night and I finally managed to get the cover off ‘the fish’ took me ages to get it out of the water and onto the worktop, the place was covered in water by the time I was finished, it flapped and flipped and what a great time we had playing together, I took it into the hall to play some more but it wasn’t much fun to play with now as all the flipping and flapping had stopped and it had no tail to grab onto, think I might have swallowed that! Not sure what the traces of red are on the floor but Windy will clean that up later, she's always cleaning. I know what I’ll do, I’ll leave it at the top of the stairs for the fat man to stand on and he can put it back in the bowl and we’ll start the game again.
Everyone is up now, nobody is speaking to me and making a fuss like normal, murderer seems to be the word of today, keep dipping my paws in the water and I’m not even getting a row. Where is that bloody fishy thing!

I was frightened to look in the ice cream tub, but there she was wrapped carefully in a food bag, the only evidence was a little slit along her tummy, presumably from a claw, I didn't notice her tail was missing the way the bag was wrapped. I thought she might have been half eaten, but she obviously wasn't to Tia's taste. My daughter wanted to bury her, but we have mono block everywhere, then she suggested flushing I wasn't keen as that would involve taking her out the bag so I said she might not flush, they didn't want to bin her as she might get squashed - I hadn't told them about the 'fat man incident' so they decided we could bin her if she remained in the ice cream tub, this would save her from being squashed you see. So that was it.

Must let the cat out more.

**I would like to point out that it is not the first time I have had visitors, but the first time these particular visitors have visited!!